Sunday, January 1, 2012
AHHHHHH! At this moment, I feel defeated.
This week has been rough, but I want to start with something positive. The week began with a wonderful doctor’s appointment where I heard Champ’s heart beat for the first time. OH, “Champ” is the baby’s nickname for now. I can’t believe how much the baby grew from 8 weeks to 12 weeks! Crazy. The next day, Jelani and I jumped on a plane to Oklahoma City to visit his family for Christmas. The plane ride messed me up and I had my first barf moment. Not pretty, but kind of funny now that it’s all over. I felt pretty good for the rest of that day but the next morning I had an impromptu barf session on the side of the road. We found out the hard way that Champ does not like when I eat apples. Back to the positive…we have a great relationship with a gym in OKC, so we had access to a great facility for the week. The first 2 days of the trip, I felt strong during my workouts but today I am feeling really discouraged.
I knew I felt a little off this morning, but I decided to go with Jelani to the gym anyway. Well, I lasted about 10 minutes into my lift before the weak feeling hit. I switched to the recumbent bike thinking that would be easy since I was off my feet but that only lasted 5 minutes. I FELT SO WEAK…and also felt the frustration building. I’m having really hard time with moments like those where I feel like I can’t do all I want to. It doesn’t help that I also feel huge right now. I lovingly refer to my thickness as my “video girl” body. Apparently, I am still attractive because I have been randomly asked out on dates more than ever before (hahaha). Still, that doesn’t help with the feeling that I am too big for my skin.
Eating has been hard. I have not gone crazy but I am eating more and I am always hungry. I know that I have to make a few changes so that I can feel good about my body and grow my belly instead of my whole body! On one hand, I do not want to be too hard on myself (I tend to do that) but I DO want to be honest and realistic about doing my best during this pregnancy. I don’t think I have put my best foot forward lately in every area. I know once I give my best, I will feel great about this process, my body, my ups and downs and my baby.
It’s time to just get real and do it.