Monday, June 18, 2012

36 weeks...

I usually don’t do this but I feel the need to focus on one day this week. Yesterday was one heck of a day…literally from start to finish! It was one of those where you force yourself to do the “fake smile” all day hoping that somehow, a miracle will take place and you would begin to actually believe your own fake smile and begin to feel better. Everything started weird from the moment I got up that morning. I felt like my body was weighed down and literally struggled with every step from the moment I got out of bed. It was so strange to me because while I have felt stiff or sluggish before, within 10 minutes of moving, the feeling wears off…but not yesterday! Walking felt like a chore and a tightness in my back started about an hour after I got up. I completely skipped the gym that morning and decided to make it a full rest day. When I got to work, I started my “fake smile” and prayed that no one around me could tell just how uncomfortable I was. I completely skipped the stairs and used the elevator every time I had to go from the first floor to the second or vice versa. The 30 seconds in the elevator where my quiet moments where I could relax my face and lean again the elevator wall for support. As soon as the elevator door was open, the plastered smile returned because it had too. I was really at the point where I was so uncomfortable that I couldn’t think of any other way I could bring myself to make it through the school day. You know the moments when you laugh just so you won’t cry or scream? That was how I felt moment after moment.

Around 5pm, I had almost reached my breaking point with the backache, the fakeness and having to put on a show. Funny thing was, my evening was far from over. I made plans with a friend from out of town and I was really excited to see her! Every time we get together we go to eat Indian food and I was not about to pass that up! I gave myself a pep talk, jumped in my car after work and drove to meet my friend at our usual spot. My friend Linda is one of those amazingly positive people and no matter how you feel when you show up to see her, you always leave with a huge smile. That evening was no different. I showed up in a funk, but left with a totally fresh perspective. During our conversation, I realized that my entire focus that day was on MY discomfort, MY hurting back, MY lack of energy and MY bad attitude. Something shifted while we were talking and I decided to take the focus off of myself and get rid of the negativity that was only fueling the fire. I began to laugh at myself and how I had seriously let a sucky attitude and a little backache ruin my day. I was literally cracking up at myself and was glad to have my good friend laughing with me. My focus went back to the miracle that was growing inside me and on the blessing of having a healthy pregnancy!! Finally my real smile was BACK…and it was BIG…so big that I think it made my eyes sparkle a little bit too.

I just need to keep my focus on the miracle and the blessing. And, just be thankful.

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